OFF THE RECORD

STARDOM may be beckoning again for Tony Blair, once he has been away his holidays and brought about world peace.
It was reported yesterday that the people behind Doctor Who are keen to sign up the former Prime Minister for a cameo performance.
It may not be as far-fetched as it sounds - he has, after all, already done The Simpsons and appeared with Catherine Tate, who just happens to have been hired as the Timelord's next assistant.
Blair's people have allegedly been talking to the Doctor's people, and they have just vetoed the plotline that involved the Earth coming under attack from giant winged insects. They want to steer well clear of weapons of moth destruction.
However, it seems the scriptwriters might get away with plans for a scene in which Blair rescues Tate from being ravished by a down-and-out on Westminster Bridge.
It's starting to look like they might get away with a sexed-up dosser.
JUST a thought, but if Asda and publishers Bloomsbury have fallen out again by the weekend, what are the chances of the supermarket chain releasing an own-brand version of the Harry Potter book, like they do with Corn Flakes, Pot Noodles, Custard Creams and just about everything else? Something along the lines of Henry Spotter and the Wealthy Mallows.
THE Hollywood rumour mill is saying that Robert De Niro is behind plans for a new biopic of Chinese dictator Chairman Mao. We trust the script will pay homage to De Niro's peerless past career by including the line: "You lookin' at Mao, huh? You lookin' at Mao?"
THE Circus of Horrors has placed an ad in job centres in the north of England for a person to fill in as a human pickle. They're looking for a "loose-limbed person" to fit into a 2ft-high laboratory bottle filled with vinegar.
We believe the vacancy has arisen because the previous bloke ran away to join the army. He's now a pickled Gurkha.
WE fear the London Mayoral contest is going to get nasty pretty soon. We hear Ken Livingstone is wary of Boris Johnson encroaching on his territory by impersonating his newts.
Incidentally, for reasons of economy if nothing else, we hope Boris isn't planning on putting his full name on his election literature. It is, in fact, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson.
AND THIS JUST IN...
WE learn that Aberdeen City Council's brand new, state-of-the-art sports pavilion in the Altens area of the city has a helpful sign marked "Referees Dressing Room". Even more helpfully, the message is repeated underneath in Braille. We are sure such gestures would be appreciated by the hard-pressed lot who officiate at SPL grounds too.